One spends years forgetting, and then one afternoon you're in a mall and the past walks by you, and you wonder if it's a sign and whether it was meant to be on this, specific Sunday.
Roads not taken. Friendships long lost. Voices forgotten.
Happy Mother's Day.
P.s. saw a cloud baby dragon today
Just leaving a word here, on this day.
A moment’s peace, while I think of all the more hopeful possibilities that might have been.
Funny how despite one’s efforts, insanity prevails. You might agree.
I just received terrible news today.
I felt it pretty much proved me right all over again, that I was right to be stressed out and consider bad outcomes. Because despite my efforts over the last 10+ years, the most insane outcomes happen, and whatever I worry about comes true.
I’ve been let down again by yet another person I trusted.
I’m tired.
All the blessings and happinesses, be with you as you cross into the new year.
….
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
I only realized they had finally made a movie when I saw a friend posting about this.
I never did get round to reading this book. I recall it was one of your favorites. There never seems to be enough time, but then again there will never be more time.
Sis sent this postcard to me from the southwestern-most part of Japan.
“They say if you send anything from this yellow postbox, it delivers only happiness.”
So I reroute every happiness, your way.
#TheSkyIWishToShareWithYou
.. wherever you are.
I couldn’t imagine the road will get more difficult every year. But it has.
You were always the optimistic one.
Be happy always. You deserve it.
Worst day in the markets so far this year, as the clock ticked pass 12am. Reflecting my emotional state over the past few years.
It’s too late now. Regrets and looking back at years of poor choices. The calendar is unforgiving.
All I can do, now, Today, is simply wish that you find all the happinesses in the world.
…..
我没有那么想你
那只是偶尔醉意会催人提起
问你在哪里 来聊表我心意
With what little I have, I wish you a happy new year. May 2022 brings you endless days of joy, renewal, and wonder.
17 Nov 2007
湾 - 王菲
我抱星月 在这天祥地和
梦借渔火 哼首歌
月光光 照地堂
岸起暖心窝 心窝
你挽星月 圆满万家灯火
浪花归湾 燃阑珊
月归家 依恋人
醉影吻花窗 花窗
湾升明月 在这人间银河
多少心心相聚 多珍重
愿伴飞桥跨晴空
湾升明月 尽收人间银河
多少朝朝暮暮 万千里
欲乘长风 挂帆追
你挽星月 圆满万家灯火
浪花归湾 燃阑珊
月归家 依恋人
醉影吻花窗 花窗
湾升明月 在这人间银河
多少心心相聚 多珍重
愿伴飞桥跨晴空
湾升明月 尽收人间银河
多少朝朝暮暮 万千里
欲乘长风 挂帆追
欲乘长风 挂帆追
The phrase “hell is the absence of God” has been turning in my head for some time.
And I’ve been living that reality; the absence of the people I love the most, because through my actions and thoughtlessness, through my anguish and self-inflicted madness and thoughts I’ve managed to drive the ones I love away. Over and over again, year after year.
I know what hell is like, now.
4 Feb 2016. That was the title of your last blog post.
It's been more than 2 years since I dared to look at your old blog, and somehow I found the courage today to do so.
I'd always been afraid to know what I'd find there. Pictures of a new life perhaps. Or words that would bring me back to my emotional turmoil.
What I found was your last post, even way before our troubles. And yes, troubles that I started and restarted.
So there's nothing new for me to think and ponder. I don't know what I would have thought if there were.
I don't know if you ever understood why I dared not look at your words. In an alternative universe of mine, I wished you would; but then again you were never meant to be my or anyone's therapist.
...............................
So it seems I can put down here in words that last day, because I think you'd maybe or somehow or not would read them? I flipped through Jordan Peterson's Beyond Order: 12 More Rules For Life recently, and he wrote that if something in your past was haunting you, to write it down.
On that last day, when you'd flown, and you sent me a message that I could never get away from you - I wonder if you'd known how true that was: that I had never and could never get away from you - years before, the years we stopped talking, and till now. There's someone in my family you know that has a very good memory; mine is somehow more focused on emotional aspects.
That message triggered me thinking of two things: of my own other memories of everyone else - and yes, I know it's not something any woman would like; and also a reminder that you did mention or suggest before you have an alternative choice.
I sent you a message sharing my uncertainty, of myself. I take responsibility for all the hurt it caused all over again, so I am not saying it's your fault for reading it that way ---- but could you see I had no one else I could share those thoughts with but you.
The emotional turmoil then overwhelmed me and I literally crashed and fell into an exhausted sleep. Naturally this meant I missed your attempt to reach out; and when I woke up, I saw your furious message to me and I had been blocked.
I sent you a reply regardless, to explain that I had crashed. Naturally you wouldn't have seen or received it.
My sister asked if she could reach out to you on my behalf, but at that point I thought maybe that was the best - that that was the alternative outcome we talked about a few days prior, that this was the end, the final break, to let you go free. To someone better and a more hopeful life.
And then I sought to be busy and get busier, to meet people and engage in things. The city moving in a blur.
And then COVID hit, and I didn't know whether to reach out or not, but I guessed that it would only accentuate any hurt that might have lingered. Who would want to hear any thoughts of concern from those that hurt them, right? I am always sorry if it were otherwise. You said something along these lines before: that years pass, life and events happen... what's the point I guess, if someone isn't there. And I wasn't there.
Perhaps Jordan Peterson has a point after all. I guess in writing this down I realise perhaps that that was what you accepted fairly quickly. Enough of the emotional roller coaster and complexities for you.
...........
Naturally, in times of trouble and selfish aloneness, I am thinking of you.
I logged on today, the first time to post since 14 Feb 2021.
The image I posted there has somehow become an unknown one of a question mark,
although I'm sure it was probably a picture of a sky that I wished to share with you.
I guess that's reflective of my life, where only the faint outlines of a happy simple existence remain.
